Metal Gear Twisted 2
by Zouri
Summary: Metal Gear in the most twisted way possible. Watch as Raiden tries to complete his mission with his limited intelligence. Read and Review. Chapter 2 is up!
1. Default Chapter

Metal Gear Twisted 2: The Sons of Liberty  
  
A man gets out of a pool of water connecting to the ocean. "Come in, Raiden," a voice blares out in his Codec. "What is it, Boss," the man responds. "Are you at the drop off point?" "What drop off point?" Raiden screams, "I had to swim in, I almost got eaten by a shark!" "Calm down," the voice replies. "But he almost bit me," he cries as he breaks down. "Shut it, look are you at the point or not," shouts Boss. "Yes," the man states as he sniffles. "Good," the voice responds, "Did you make it ok?" Raiden shouts, "The pressure was killing me!" "That's impossible, are you wearing the suit?" "The bra and panties you gave me are hardly a suit," Raiden replied. Boss asked him, "But aren't you a woman?" "NO!" "Damn it!" Boss shouts, "Not again."  
  
"Look, can we just find me a suit?" Raiden asks. He looks around to see a suit lying on the floor. 'Ok,' he thinks as he moves closer to the suit. He puts it on, only to start running around the room screaming. "What's wrong?" Boss asks. "BUGS!" Raiden shouts as he runs through the door and into a solider. He gets up and inspects the man further. "Boss, I found a solider. He looks Russian." "JUST KEEP MOVING," his boss shouts. He enters another room and looks around before asking, "What am I supposed to do?" "Do you see a node," the boss responds. "Yea." "Log in, moron," Boss sighs. Raiden walks over to the node and says to himself, "OK, I just type in the data and... what! Why isn't this working?" He punches the computer, only to get electrocuted. He screams in anguish before falling to the floor, unconscious.  
  
Raiden comes to about five hours later, moaning as he picks himself up off the floor. "You imbecile, you destroyed the log in node!" Boss' voice shouts. Raiden doesn't respond, he just staggers over to the elevator. He pushes the up button and waits for the elevator when two guards entered the room. "Raiden," his boss shouts; "Two guards have entered. You know how to use your radar, right?" Raiden nods as he replies, "Yea, it's at the upper- right of the screen. I'm the yellow Pac-Man dot, and enemies are ghosts, the job is to collect all the dots without being detected." Boss sighs, "If I could hit you, right now, you wouldn't even have a face anymore. Just hide." "Got it."  
  
As the two guards walk towards the elevator, one guard begins to talk, "So, I says to the stripper, I says, you're not a stripper, are you? You're a cop, aren't you?" "God, not this story again," the other replies. The two walk closer to the elevator to see Raiden standing in the middle of the room, chanting, "You can't see me. You can't see me." After staring at him quizzically for a minute, the first guard says, "Yea, so the stripper pulls out a gun and aims it at my head." Just as he finished that sentence, the elevator reached the bottom room. Raiden made a quick dash to the elevator and hit the top floor button, closing the elevator.  
  
'OK, I'm alive,' Raiden thinks to himself. "A terrorist group has taken over the plant," Boss begins, "They call themselves the Sons of Liberty." Raiden takes off his mask and places it on the ground before giving it a quick prayer. "What are you doing, Raiden?" Boss asks. "I'm praying for my helmet to stay safe." "Dumbass," he murmurs. "I heard that," Raiden retorted. "Good, you needed to." Raiden reaches the top of the plant and quickly ran to the fence. He quickly ducked down and crawled under the fence. The boss quickly asked, "Why didn't you use the door?" Raiden quickly responded, "It was open?" He looks to his right to see the door completely open. "Oh."  
  
Raiden entered strut A and ran down the stairs, but tripped and fell down the stairs. He got up and ran to a nearby cubicle's wall. He looked around the wall to see a single guard asleep, and also, a node. "Boss, I found a node, but it's under heavy surveillance." The guard then snores loud enough for the microphone on Raiden's ear to pick it up. "Oh good God," shouts Boss, "He's asleep, it can't be that hard to get around a man that's asleep!" Raiden slowly walks out from behind the wall and over to the node. He slowly puts his hands on the node and begins to type in the codes. 'Ok, so far so good. What? Wait, I don't want loud folk music to play after the download is complete. STOP!' He quickly pulls the cord unplugging the node, and gets shocked for it. He quickly falls to the ground, motionless.  
  
Raiden wakes up to see guards hitting him with the butts of their rifles. He gives a quick groan before jumping up and running to the BC connecting bridge. "Should we report that?" One guard asks. "No, Mr. Hot Dog man, Mrs. Tulip Daisy was funny," one of the other guards retort. "Why do I pick the stoners for friends?"  
  
Once Raiden made it to the AB connecting bridge, he saw to guards and immediately hid behind a wall. Raiden turns on his Codec and says, "Boss there are two guards on the bridge. Any ideas?" "Try hanging off the bridge's hand rails." He quickly runs up to the rails and jumps over the rail, hanging over the ocean. He inches across, when a guard notices his hands on the rails. He quickly runs to the end of the bridge and takes out his transceiver, stating, "Enemy sighted." Requesting backup." "Affirmative. Backup will arrive shortly," a voice answers. Raiden climbs back onto the wall to see two guards staring at him. The guard charges Raiden and hits him knocking him to the floor.  
  
Raiden regained consciousness after an hour and got off the ground. He saw the two guards asleep on the ground. One of the guards mumbled, "Where's backup?" Raiden took this opportunity to run to strut B. Once inside, he found a horrific sight. Blood stained over the walls, many different lifeless bodies lying on the floor and an open trashcan filled with bugs. "AAAAHHHH" Raiden screamed. Boss' voice suddenly rang in his Codec, "Raiden, what is happening?" "BUGS," Raiden screamed as he ran into the nearest room, just in time to witness a Navy Seal's throat being slit by a man in a trench coat. The man looked up to see Raiden enter the room. "Ahhh, another snack," he tells himself as he cuts himself in his chest. "What?" Raiden responds. "This will make my sixth meal," he tells him as he jumped over Raiden's head and landed behind him.  
  
He slowly reached towards Raiden, until a voice shouted, "Get down!" Suddenly, a barrage of bullets enters the room as Raiden drops to the ground. The bullets continued to launch into the room as a man stepped out from hiding. The man in a trench coat quickly disappeared as the man ran up to Raiden. "Where is he?" the man shouts. Quickly, the man is pinned to the wall by the other man, making him drop his gun. "Who are you?" Raiden asks. "Vamp." He prepares to bite the man when he suddenly stops. "You're not like others," Vamp tells him. Raiden quickly picks up the machine gun and points it at Vamp. "Shoot him!" the man shouts. "Ok, this is just like training. Just aim and... uh... oh no. I forgot what to do next." "I can't see. Am I boned?" the man asked. Vamp looked at him, "What is your name?" "Pliskin." "Well Pliskin," Vamp begins, "You're a skeleton." "I'm freaking out. I'M FREAKING OUT!" Raiden shouts as he accidentally pulls the trigger on the gun.  
  
Raiden arms flail wildly about, trying to keep the gun firing in a straight line. "I still can't see. Am I still screwed?" Pliskin asks again. "Pliskin" Vamp responds, "Not even the grace and mercy of God can save you now." Raiden still straining to hold the gun, drops it, and the last bullet hits a fire extinguisher. It explodes, knocking Vamp off of Pliskin. Pliskin falls to the ground and gasps, "What kind of fire extinguisher is that?" Raiden walks up to the extinguisher and reads, "The fire starter. The ultimate in starting fires. Invented by Fatman." "Damn him!" Vamp yells as he runs out of the room. Raiden picks up the gun and points it at Pliskin. "You think you scare me with that. You can't even aim," Pliskin taunts. "It's pointed at you right now," Raiden tells him. "It may be, but as soon as you pull the trigger, the recoil will make you hit the node." "No it won't," Raiden retorts. "Then prove it," Pliskin commands him as he hands him an extra clip. Raiden loads the clip and fires, right into the node as Pliskin predicted. The node shot out a bolt of electricity that hit Raiden and knocked him out.  
  
Raiden got up again about an hour later. "Damn it," he murmured. "Finally, you suck at this. What kind of training did you have?" "Well..." Raiden says as he recalled his time at military training. "Damn it," says a past Raiden, "The blocks, they keep coming. Every time I get rid of a row there are more blocks." A scientist walked into a nearby room to confer with the others. "So, how are the retar... 'Special' operatives coming along?" he asked. "Good," another answered as he walked out of the room. "Raiden, your 50 minutes of Tetris are over, now it's time for Space Invaders training," the scientist said. "Oh boy!" Raiden shouted, ending his flashback. "That's not even real VR training," Pliskin said aloud. "Yes it is," Raiden replied. A voice shouted on Pliskin's transmitter, "WAZAAAAAAAPPPPPP! We're being slaughtered. All your base are belong to her. HELP!" "Aren't you going to answer that?" Raiden asked. "Would you answer that?" "Never mind," Raiden shouted as he ran out the door, "I'll help them."  
  
Raiden ran out to the bridge to see a woman dragging a large gun out of the center room of the plant. The odd thing about this sight, however, was that a swat team was firing at her, but none of the bullets were hitting her. "WHAT?" one of the Swat leaders shouted, "Is that Fortune?" Suddenly, her gun falls out of her hands and through the floor. "Damn it!" she shouts. The Swat team, though still firing, thinks, 'Maybe not.' She turns around to see her assailants and asks them, "Can you put me out of my misery?" "Well maybe if you stopped knocking all of our bullets away, we could!" was the reply of an officer. "Stand back," another shouts as he throws a grenade at her. The grenade lands at her feet, but nothing happens. "A dud," the officer shouts, "YYYEEEEHHHAAAAWW! Yippie ya yah all right!" "What the hell did you just say solider?" asks another solider. Fortune kicks the grenade and it blows up all of the Swat team, as well as half of the bridge.  
  
"Damn," she shouts before looking over the edge. "That's it! I'll kill myself by jumping into the water." She leaps off the bridge, plummeting towards the water. When she gets to close, however, the waters part and she falls to the ocean's bottom. "No way," Raiden whispers. She reaches the bottom and even the ground parts for her. She burrows through the middle of the world and ends up in China, flying in the sky thanks to the momentum. She then falls backwards back to the plant. She flies into the air and lands perfectly where she jumped off. "Damn it!" she shouts. "Trying suicide again?" She turns around to see Vamp dragging a bloody Fatman. "Why did you beat him up?" Fortune asked. Vamp began to grumble as he said, "At that fire starter blew up in my face, I had to get revenge, my queen." "Ok," she said as she walked inside, "Come on." "Where is the president?" "I couldn't carry him and the gun," Fortune shouted. "Lost another one?" Vamp asked. Fortune nodded. "Don't worry, there are more inside," Vamp told her as they walked in.  
  
Raiden called for Boss and shouted, "Seal team 10 is dead." He listened for a moment until he heard the sound of Boss and a woman. "Oh Rosemary," Boss shouted. "Rose" Raiden shouted at the top of his lungs. "Oh no," she shouted. "Think of something, quick" Boss replied. "Uh... Would you believe I have a...uh...dead grandmother that came back to life and started making out with Boss?" "That's your response to everything." Raiden shouted. "No it's not Jack. Last time it was a panda." "JACK" his boss shouted, "HAHHAHAHAHAHAHH! That's hilarious!" "When I get back..." Raiden started. "Communication over!" Boss shouted as he closed down his frequency.  
  
Raiden ran into the next room to see an old man crouching in front of him. He reached inside of his suit and pulled out a gun. 'Wait? Why didn't I use this sooner?' He points the gun at the man and shouts, "Freeze!" "Don't shoot me," the old man pleads. "Are you Dead Cell?" "No" the man tells him as he puts his hands on the counter. Unfortunately, he put his hands on a wrench, which Raiden thought was a weapon. "AAAAHHHHHH," he shouts as he fires. The bullets fly all over the room, but none hit the man. "STOP IT," shouts a voice. Pliskin enters the room and says, "You almost killed THE bomb disposal guy!" 


	2. Chapter 2

"Bomb disposal?" Raiden asked, "Oh, is that where you take your trash outside and beat it with a dead cat?" "What...the...hell are you talking about?" Pliskin asked him. "Hello" the old man said, "Doesn't anybody care about the bombs?" Pliskin pointed his gun at him and shouted, "We'll get to that, but first, I have to know what the hell Raiden is talking about." "Maybe we should take care of the bombs" Raiden stated, now fearing for his life. "Ok...Anyway, this guy here is THE bomb disposal expert" Pliskin repeated. "Peter Stillman, nice to see they sent some retarded psychos on this mission." "So what do we do now then?" Raiden inquired.  
  
"We're going to have to disarm those C4's" Stillman told them. "But I've never disarmed a bomb before" Raiden shouted. "Wuss" murmured Pliskin. Raiden pointed his gun and began to shout, "You take that back or I'll..." but noticed the node in the mirror's reflection and put the gun down. "Anyway, the man who is behind all of these bombs is Fatman" Stillman said aloud. "So how do we remove the bombs" Raiden questioned. "We don't, we freeze them. Here both of you take these" Stillman said as he handed them two coolant containers. "How do these work?" Raiden asked as he looked at the nozzle. He, unfortunately, grabbed the nozzle and the coolant froze his face. He tried to talk, but the only sound that came out were mumbles. Pliskin punched Raiden in the face and broke the ice, but also knocked Raiden unconscious.  
  
Raiden woke up on the floor, feeling light-headed. "If it's not the node, it's something else" he murmured. He picked himself up off the floor, seeing Pliskin and Stillman were, waiting for him. "Ok" Stillman began, "You will need these Ion Mobility Spectrometer to find the C4's." He handed them to the two and turned his on, "There's one here." "I don't see anything" Raiden told him. "The C4's location is represented by the big mass of gas on your radar."  
  
"Oh" Raiden responded, "Well, actually...that was me." "God damn you're an idiot!" Pliskin shouted. "Now if I know Fatman" Stillman said, "He would have followed everything he's learned like his religion, Fatmanism." "What's that about" Raiden inquired. "Here's a pamphlet" Stillman stated as he handed him one from his jacket. Raiden took the pamphlet, opened it, and stated, "Huh, no creator gods, no work, no friends, no life, just food and bombs, sounds interesting." "Now don't forget to log in or else the sensor won't work" Stillman told them. "Ummm...I have had a couple of bad experiences with log in nodes" Raiden confessed. "Worry about that later" Pliskin retorted, "We need to get these bombs." "Ok." "I got Strut 2," Pliskin shouted as he ran out the door, "You have one." "That man" Stillman stated, "He is not a SEAL." "He isn't" Raiden sounded shocked, "But I probably should have suspected that when I noticed he didn't have fins." "Not that kind of a seal...just get the C4's."  
  
Raiden ran out of the room. 'Time to try this thing out' he thought. He activated his sensor and instantly an emission popped up. "Ok" he said aloud, "To my right." He walked to the room and calmly stepped inside, only to run out a few seconds later screaming as women attacked him. "But your in danger" he shouted. Fifteen minutes later, he returned to the restroom to try again, this time dressed as a woman. He slowly walked in, expecting the worst, but was not harmed. "I don't think I've seen you before" one woman stated, "What's your name?" Raiden thought as hard as he could, "Raidena." Luckily, he didn't need to mask his voice as he already sounded like a woman. "OK, want to join us talking about boys and doing our make- up." "It's my dream come true." Raidena shouted.  
  
An hour later, Raiden had more make-up on than most celebrates as they talked about guys. "Um...ya...That Fatman guy is like...so totally hot." "EWWWW, it's like...all about that Pliskin guy." They all sighed together and whispered, "Pliskin." Raiden then received a call from Pliskin. "Raiden, how are the C4's coming? I got two." "Oh...My...God...Is that him, Raidena?" one woman shouted. Suddenly, many women were shouting things such as, "We love you" or "Marry me." Then Raiden shouted out, "He's mine, back off." Pliskin was silent before saying, "Raiden, remind me to shoot you." "Ok." Raiden stated as he sighed. "Now take out the C4." Pliskin shouted as the communication ended. Raiden got up, walked to the mirror and said, "I gotta look good for when I see him." He looked up and noticed a C4 on the ceiling. Returning into his somewhat masculine form, he froze the detonator on the C4. "Wait a minute, you can't be a woman" one girl declared. "No woman would take out a C4," another shouted. "You knew that was there?" Raiden asked. "Well sure, you would have to be blind not to see it, we were just hoping someone like Pliskin would take care of it." "Kill this guy" a fourth girl screamed. Raiden tried to make it out of the restroom, but was dragged back in and beaten within an inch of his life.  
  
He eventually made it to Strut E, taking care of 5 out of 6 bombs. "Ahh, that was crazy." He silently moved over to the log in node thinking, 'Ok, I've been electrocuted 8 times, it wont happen again." He placed his hands on the keys and began to type in the necessary information. As he finished typing, the download began. But, this download was much slower than the rest. He looked around until he saw a message that read, "This is a 28K log in node." "Damn" he shouted. Three hours later, the download completed, and he began to walk up the staircase. 'Finally, something that didn't end with electrocution.' He reached the top of the stairs, but the door would not open for him. He began typing on the keys, when the door announced, "Access denied." He was electrocuted and the door opened as he fell to the floor. His head landed in the doorway as the door closed, hitting his head. The door kept opening and closing, repeating the process of hitting his head.  
  
He awoke with a slight concussion. He staggered off of the ground as the door hit him again. This time however, he landed outside of the doorway and was now outside. He once again staggered off of the floor and hides behind a wall when he sees a woman speaking into a transmitter. "Yes I saw a ninja...No, I am not high, stoned, or any combination of the two...but I am drunk. But that does not affect me in any way" she shouted as she swayed from left to right, trying to keep her balance. "Freeze" Raiden shouts as he points his gun towards her. She begins to laugh uncontrollably, even after she falls over the guardrail. Raiden looks over to se what had happened, but saw no trace of her.  
  
Suddenly, Raiden received another call on his Codec. He answered, "This is Raiden." "Hey Jack" Rosemary responded, "Do you remember when we first met." Raiden shakes his head, as he shouts, "Now is not the time for this." "Remember, you saw other guys flirting with me." "And so I tried to impress you by fighting those guys. Had I known they were ex-convicts, I probably would not have fought them, because I get shot so many times." Raiden continued, now more interested in the topic. "Yep" Rosemary retorted, "So I took you to the hospital, and that was our first date." "Yea, I don't know though, this mission is kinda fun, besides the slowly being killed by everything here part. I may not come back." "Yea you're right, Pliskin is way better" Rose lied. "WHAT" shouted Raiden. "Yea, you know what, you stay there, Pliskin can come back and be with me." "That's it, when I get back" Raiden started, "I'm gonna make you forget him the only way I can; by beating you senseless until you can't remember him." "What!" Rose shouted, but it was too late, the communication ended. "Don't you know that reverse psychology doesn't work on him" Boss asked. "I better get ready to sue" Rose said aloud.  
  
Pliskin's transmitter began to ring. He was hesitant, but slowly answered; "This is Pliskin, what's up." "What's up?" Raiden looked up. "Nothing, except sky." "You imbecile, that's an expression. Like saying you're a player doesn't mean you've been playing Dungeons and Dragons for 50 hours," Pliskin shouted. "That's not what it means," Raiden told him. "It's not," Pliskin sounded pissed, "Well that explains why everyone keeps laughing at me." "Anyway, I saw a Russian female, any ideas on who she is." "Hmmm," Pliskin thought for a moment, "It's probably Olga. Was she complaining because people though she was stoned?" "Yea" Raiden answered. "Yea, that's her." Pliskin told him. "How do you know her?" Raiden asked. Pliskin quickly spurt out, "I took pictures of her naked on a tanker two years ago." "You what...wait your..." Raiden began. Suddenly, a cinder block flew out of nowhere and hit Raiden in the head, making him forget most of the conversation." "So her name is Olga, huh," Raiden said, "Ok, I'm going to take care of the last bomb, Raiden out."  
  
Raiden ran up the stairs as fast as he could, but tripped when he reached the top stair and fell with a loud thud. This alerted a near-by guard and he decided to look into it. "Is somebody there," the guard shouted, while firing blindly into the air. Raiden ran behind a steel crater to hide as the guard walked into the opening. "Damn," the guard shouted, "I gotta stop shouting that." Raiden watched on as the guard began to walk back to his post, firing in the air as he walked back. Raiden quietly moved from behind the crate and shouted, "Freeze!" The guard turned around and shouted, "OH MY GOD, IT'S A MALE STRIPPER!" "What?" Raiden started, "But I'm not a..." "AAAAHHHHHHH," the guard screamed as he launched a barrage of bullets at him. Raiden barely had any time to hide, as the bullets flew right at him. Though hit by a couple bullets, he managed to return to the safety of behind the box. 'Damn' Raiden thought, 'What would Pliskin do?"  
  
Raiden then imagined Pliskin was in his place. Pliskin suddenly transformed, turning him into Zeus, god of lightning. He then created lightning bolts in his hands and quickly threw them at the guard, destroying him on contact. 'That seems like a good plan," Raiden concluded; partly because he was out of ideas, and partly because of major blood loss. Raiden conjured up the storms and threw a lightning bolt at the guard, or so he thought. In reality, Raiden jumped in the air and threw a stapler at him. Though the stapler was empty, it hit the guard right between the eyes. "OW!" The guard shouted, "That hurts." Back in Raiden's world, Raiden saw the guard rip out of his skin to become a coma-inducing monster. Raiden screamed for mercy, when a figure appeared before him. "Who are you?" "Call me DeepThroat." "But," Raiden began, "DeepThroat is dead, and your voice doesn't sound so deep." DeepThroat kicked Raiden in the balls before shouting, "Fine! Mr.X then." Raiden whimpered as he spoke, "So what do you want?" "I'm here to help you." Mr.X handed him a snail. "Use the snail," Mr.X commanded. "Ok," Raiden said aloud. He picked up and threw Mr.X, but his entire view turned white. Raiden woke up on the ground an hour later. He looked up to see that the guard was no where to be seen. 'That was weird, was it real?' He got up off the ground and walked to the harrier. "BASTARD!" The phantom Mr.X shouted, but Raiden did not hear it.  
  
Raiden had just finished freezing the last C4 when he received a call. "How are you doing, Stillman?" "I'm ok, but so far this just doesn't add up." "What doesn't?" Raiden asked. "These bomb locations, and the fact that I can't save money on my car insurance. I mean, I only ran into the guy once and got a D.U.I. And that only caused a, what, 200 car pile up, with oh I don't know, over 1100 people being killed." Raiden was afraid, and decided to change the subject, "But what about Pliskin?" "Don't worry, he still has one left, but hurry back. I have something for you." Raiden sprinted back to the C strut, making sure to avoid the women's bathroom, and ran into the room Stillman was in. "Here," Stillman handed him another sensor, "I found out that there are more C4's, and their scentless. So you will need this to find them." Instantly, Pliskin called, "I found the last C4, I'm taking it out." "No don't!" Stillman shouted, but it was too late. 


End file.
